The Inheritance of Parenting Styles

Have you ever caught yourself in a moment, disciplining your child, and thought, “I sound exactly like my mom,” or “This is something my dad would do”? How we show up as parents can sometimes feel hardwired, passed down through generations, sometimes without us even noticing. These inherited patterns can have both positive and challenging effects on our relationships with our children today. Without a conscious awareness of these patterns, we can let this hardwiring overrun the values that we hold in the present and recreate things from the past that we don’t like.

Historically, certain parenting approaches—like strict discipline or emotional restraint—served specific purposes. During times of hardship, such as war or economic crises, these behaviors helped families survive, stay safe, and cope with uncertainty. But what was necessary in one generation can become a source of struggle in another. Parenting practices that emphasize strict control, emotional suppression, or self-reliance may now create stress and disconnect between parents and children in today’s world–causing you and your kids more stress than is necessary.

The good news? We can learn to break these inherited cycles. With self-reflection and support, particularly through individual therapy, parents can adopt approaches that foster well-being, understanding, and connection. So let’s take a moment to consider where these patterns come from, how they affect our lives, and most importantly, how we can change them for the better.

Where Do Parenting Styles Come From?

Parenting styles don’t appear out of thin air; they are passed down through generations, often unconsciously. Research shows that much of our approach to parenting comes from learned behaviors, modeled by the caregivers we looked up to as children. Psychologist Jay Belsky observed this dynamic in the 1980s, noting that many parents replicate the behaviors and attitudes they experienced growing up, carrying forward family norms almost instinctively.

The impact of parenting styles on children’s well-being is significant. Studies by developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind show that more authoritarian styles—marked by strict rules and emotional distance—tend to increase anxiety, depression, and aggression in children. In contrast, authoritative parenting, which balances guidance with warmth, is associated with healthier outcomes, including better emotional regulation, resilience, and social skills. Children benefit immensely when parents model empathy, consistency, and constructive communication.

Certain behaviors, like emotional unavailability or rigid discipline, may have roots in a previous generation's survival strategies. For instance, a grandparent who grew up during wartime may have leaned heavily on values of strictness and self-discipline, as these were critical to endure difficult times. Similarly, a parent raised in an environment where emotions weren’t openly discussed may struggle with communicating feelings, unknowingly perpetuating a cycle of emotional suppression.

But there’s promising evidence that breaking these cycles is possible. Research indicates that parents can adopt healthier, more adaptable parenting techniques, fostering relationships that better support their children’s mental health and well-being. Therapy offers a supportive space to explore these patterns, identify what’s unhelpful, and replace it with something better.

Evidence-Based Parenting Practices for Family Well-Being

If you’re wondering how to shift from inherited patterns to healthier ones, research has identified several proven approaches. Here are four evidence-based parenting practices that can help build a positive and connected relationship with your children:

1. Emotion Coaching

Emotion coaching, a concept pioneered by psychologist John Gottman, involves helping children understand and manage their emotions. It starts by acknowledging your child’s feelings, offering empathy, and guiding them toward constructive responses. Research shows that children who grow up with emotion-coaching parents tend to have better emotional regulation and social skills and experience lower rates of anxiety and depression.

For example: Instead of saying, “Stop crying, you’re fine,” try, “I see you’re upset. It’s okay to feel sad. Do you want to talk about what happened?”

2. Positive Discipline

Jane Nelsen’s positive discipline approach emphasizes teaching responsibility and self-discipline through positive reinforcement rather than punishment. Studies find that positive discipline encourages cooperation and intrinsic motivation, helping children feel empowered and understood rather than resentful.

For example: If your child misses their chores, rather than punishing them, involve them in a collaborative discussion about responsibilities and solutions.

3. Reflective Listening and Validation

Reflective listening and validation, skills from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), involve actively listening to your child, summarizing their words, and validating their feelings. This approach fosters open communication and emotional understanding.

For example: If your child says, “I hate school,” you could respond, “It sounds like you’re really frustrated with school right now. That’s something lots of students feel. I remember feeling that way sometimes myself. Want to tell me more about what’s going on?”

4. Consistent Routines and Boundaries

Family systems therapy emphasizes the value of predictable routines and boundaries in promoting stability. Research indicates that children in structured environments with consistent routines experience lower stress and fewer behavioral issues.

For example: Establishing a regular bedtime routine and clear expectations about homework can help reduce conflicts and create a sense of security.

Implementing these practices can feel challenging, especially if they differ from how we were raised. Working with an individual therapist can provide guidance, accountability, and personalized strategies to make these changes achievable and sustainable.

Conclusion: Changing Unhelpful Parenting Patterns

Breaking away from inherited parenting patterns starts with understanding where they come from. A therapist can help you uncover these patterns, providing insight into how they shape your family dynamics. By becoming aware of these behaviors, you can consciously choose approaches that align with your values and foster a more supportive family environment.

The practices above are backed by research and proven to improve family relationships and well-being. They allow parents to connect more deeply with their children, creating positive effects that can last for generations. If you’re ready to make these changes, consider seeking professional support—therapy offers a safe space to explore, practice, and strengthen these new, healthier approaches. By making these shifts, you’re not just breaking old cycles; you’re building a legacy of resilience, understanding, and connection for the future.