Insecurity in relationships is more common than people often admit. It can show up as jealousy, a fear of abandonment, or self-doubt about whether we’re truly valued by our partner. When these feelings go unchecked, it can create cycles of anxiety, conflict, and emotional distance.

Understanding where insecurity comes from and how to manage it in a healthier way is key to maintaining strong relationships. Psychotherapy is a great place to start recognizing and working on these patterns. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) specifically helps to reframe automatic negative thoughts we have about ourselves and others.

Understanding the Root of Insecurity

Insecurity isn’t random—it usually stems from past experiences, internalized beliefs, or patterns within the current relationship. Some common sources include:

• Attachment history – Early relationships with caregivers shape how we experience closeness and connection. Anxious attachment, for example, can lead to heightened sensitivity to rejection.
• Past relationships – Betrayal, abandonment, or inconsistent partners can leave lasting imprints that influence how we approach new relationships.
• Self-worth – If someone fundamentally believes they are not enough, they may struggle to accept love or reassurance, no matter how much their partner provides.
• Relationship dynamics – Even a generally secure person can feel uncertain if communication is poor, conflicts go unresolved, or trust has been broken.

How Trust Is Built

John and Julie Gottman, world-renowned couples therapy experts, have shown that trust isn’t established through grand gestures but rather through small, consistent moments of connection. These small, positive gestures come together to add deposits to your shared emotional bank account. When we turn away from our partners or ignore bids for affection, these are like withdrawals to the bank account.

For example, if one partner expresses concern about feeling distant, how the other responds matters. Being dismissive can fuel insecurity, while being responsive helps build trust. The accumulation of these interactions determines whether a relationship feels secure or uncertain.

Practical Steps to Address Insecurity

1. Recognize Triggers Without Overreacting

Insecurity often comes in patterns. Does doubt arise when your partner is busy? When they spend time with friends? When they don’t respond to a message right away? Rather than reacting impulsively, take a moment to ground yourself. Engage in a break - like taking a few deep breaths or go for a brisk walk. When you’ve had some distance, consider the following questions:

• Is this an issue in my current relationship, or is it rooted in past experiences?
• What is the actual evidence for and against my fear?
• How would I respond if a friend had this concern?

This type of reflection doesn’t erase insecurity but helps shift the focus from emotional reactivity to a more measured perspective. If you have trouble with this step, psychotherapy is a great place to learn how to regulate your emotions.

2. Communicate Clearly and Directly

People struggling with insecurity often fall into indirect communication—dropping hints, testing their partner’s reactions, or expecting them to read their minds. This rarely leads to understanding. Instead, expressing concerns directly and calmly is more effective.

Rather than saying, “You never prioritize me,” try:

• “I’ve been feeling disconnected lately, and I’d really like to spend some quality time together.”
• “Sometimes I struggle with insecurity, and I just want to check in with you about how we’re doing.”

The Gottmans emphasize that how a conversation starts often determines how it will end. Leading with blame or accusation puts a partner on the defensive, while leading with vulnerability encourages connection.

3. Challenge Unhelpful Thought Patterns

Insecure thinking often follows predictable patterns:

• “They haven’t texted back. They must be pulling away.”
• “They seemed quiet tonight. Are they losing interest?”

Before assuming the worst, it helps to consider alternative explanations. Maybe they’re distracted, tired, or preoccupied with something unrelated. You might even ask yourself if you’ve given a similar reaction in the past - and what was behind your own reaction to gain understanding. Practicing cognitive flexibility, when we consider multiple perspectives rather than immediately believing the most distressing one, can reduce unnecessary anxiety. CBT is the gold standard psychotherapy to use to address these unhelpful thinking patterns.

4. Develop a Stronger Sense of Self

A relationship will not feel truly secure if your self-worth is solely dependent on it. While reassurance from a partner is important, a strong internal foundation makes a significant difference. This includes:

• Maintaining friendships, hobbies, and personal goals outside the relationship
• Practicing self-compassion rather than self-criticism
• Recognizing one’s own value, rather than looking for external validation to confirm it

The more secure a person feels within themselves, the less likely they are to interpret neutral or ambiguous situations as signs of rejection. If you need to take steps to shore up your security, make a plan to do so. Keep in mind this is typically built over weeks and months, rather than moments or days.

5. Recognize Small Acts of Connection

The Gottmans’ research emphasizes the importance of bids for connection—small ways partners express care, affection, or attention. When insecurity is present, these can be overlooked in favor of scanning for signs of rejection.

Examples of bids:

• A partner makes an effort to check in during the day or shows interest or excitement in the other’s plans
• Simple gestures like bringing coffee or remembering something important
• Expressing affection, even in small ways

Rather than waiting for large, dramatic proofs of love, noticing and appreciating these everyday moments helps reinforce a sense of security.

Final Thoughts

Insecurity in relationships is not uncommon, but when it becomes a persistent pattern, it can create unnecessary tension and emotional strain. By recognizing triggers, communicating directly, challenging negative thought patterns, and focusing on trust-building behaviors, both partners can contribute to a more secure connection. If any of these steps feel tricky, psychotherapy, specifically CBT, can be especially helpful in working to change even decades of unhelpful thinking patterns.